From Big Spider to Huge Bug: How escalating terror in a nightmare can propel movement in difficult life problems
Faced with an on-going problem with her mom, and not sure which way to turn, Benita found herself inside an escalating nightmare. Dream analysis tied her sleeping nightmare back to this difficult situation, then offered the possibility of a solution.
The Dream
I was in the storage area of my building and saw a big black spider. I tried to kill it with a fly swatter, but it was still alive. I was looking around the room to see if I could find something to really kill it.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a HUGE BUG or alien spider came to save it. It was so creepy. It’s as if it was watching me the whole time. It was slowly flying around my face, and that’s when I woke up, petrified.
The Discussion
I asked Benita, “How did you feel when your attempt to kill the spider failed? And then when the huge bug came, you say you were petrified. Tell me more about those feelings.”
Benita replied, “I was anxious and afraid when I didn’t kill the spider. I didn’t want it to escape and maybe hurt me in the future.
“This dream honestly feels so scary. It’s like the spider has a secret home in there. It knows when I come in and watches what I do. I not only felt violated, but also very scared it would hurt me.”
Exploring the symbol of the spider, I inquired, “Can you describe a spider for me please, and also tell me about the huge bug.”
Benita replied, “The black spider is as big and juicy as a five-year-old girl’s hand, and it can hop.
“The bigger bug was like a spider alien thing. It was a black widow spider and very, very black. It flew around in a transparent sphere with webs coming out like tassels. It was very creepy.”
“Excellent description!” I exclaimed. “Can you think of a situation in your life that has you feeling creepy or nervous?
“It might not be a situation that scares the heck out of you. More likely, it’s something or someone who has you feeling anxious. If you haven’t been talking about those feelings during the day, they will rise more strongly in your dreams.”
Benita clicked immediately. “My mother. It’s my mother.”
I asked, “Can you tell me the situation with your mother?”
Benita shared her story. “My mother is mentally unstable, and also physically very sick. On top of it she is very alone.
“We just celebrated a big event over two days and I planned the first evening to be with my friend’s family and my family too, but without my mother. However, she wasn’t well and I had to bring her to the hospital. My mother slept there and the next day, she carried on like nothing happened.”
I concluded, “So you missed the first evening to take her to the hospital? And then she was fine like the spider?”
Benita confirmed, “Yes. I can see she is the overwhelming, alien fly that watches me. The thing that always prevents me from doing anything. It’s always her. The truth is my mother ruins a lot for me.
“But it’s also true that my mother is ill. She needs pain management.”
I reached back into Benita’s dream. “You tried to swat the spider, but it didn’t work. Instead, a big bug appeared.”
Benita caught her own play on words, “Right. That’s what my mother is. A big bug. She never has any problem disrupting me.”
Thinking back to her dream, she added, “There were two bugs though. The second one came to help the one that I swatted, and it was very shocking when it showed up.”
Benita suddenly grew overwhelmed. “I am, excuse me, I’m having a really emotional shock right now. I feel like my eyes just opened. I’m surprised and I’m happy but I’m also sad. I’m really sad actually.”
I responded, “I respect and appreciate your honesty, Benita. Here is the very positive aspect of your dream. It has inspired you to seek help!
“Is there perhaps a social worker you know or a hospital person who can help you manage your mother’s pain? Also, your dream seems to ask you to give yourself permission to step away like you tried to do with the first evening event.
“Your mom needs support but so do you!”
Benita said, “In two weeks we have an appointment with the geriatric clinic at the hospital. Maybe they can help me. I brought her there last year and they offered some services that she refused.
“When the doctors offer her something and she says, ‘I don’t need your help’, they back off. But her pain relief usually gives me a break.
“When I brought her to the hospital a few nights ago, we ended up having our own mini-celebration. I found it profoundly special, but then she started to feel better and become her aggressive self again. I got very upset.
“Now, I see my dream fits so perfectly with my actual experience!”
Building on her dream symbols, I said, “It sounds like when your mom refuses the doctor’s help, you need to be stronger; more insistent.”
Benita responded, “Believe me when I tell you, my mother is very strong and physically aggressive. She has no boundaries. She shows up at my job multiple times a week and calls relentlessly, well aware I work and I’m busy. She doesn’t care. If I don’t answer, she shows up. I am not exaggerating.”
I offered, “Perhaps you might try to set some boundaries. Maybe tell your mother if she hovers over you like that, you might get fired. Be the big spider and come in to save yourself!”
What We Can Learn
Sometimes the great fear that rises from a dream can give us the impetus to take action. When Benita woke up petrified, she reached out to me to understand her dream. In turn, understanding your dream helps promote movement. It inspires discussion, which provides feedback and at the same time problem-solving ideas.
Sometimes in a nightmare, the part that scares you or makes you uncomfortable holds the solution to your current dilemma. It may represent a part of yourself, or an option for behaving, that triggers discomfort or fear but can help you in your situation.
This is what I meant when I encouraged Benita to “be the big spider and come in to save yourself!” The big spider takes protective but aggressive action; a mode that clearly makes Benita uncomfortable, but that she would perhaps do well to adopt in her current situation.
